#i cant write a fic right now im not mentally stable

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[monakisu]

Hiiii i found your persona5 fic on ao3 and binged through it in a couple hours it's so good!!! Picked my mood right up <3 I love how chatty the personas are, you really gave them very distinct voices and personalities, I'm excited to see those of the other phantom thieves!! Akira is giving me like....serious yandere vibes and you know what? I'm down for it. He can be a little (a lot) unhinged about Goro as a treat lmao. It's funny how compared to Akira now Goro is kinda the more stable one.....oh how the tables have tabled

Anyway!! Hope you're having a nice day <33 thank you for writing and sharing your work!!!

im very glad my insane ramblings picked up ur mood!! i only really write cheer myself and others up haha! and the YANDERE REVERSAL—sorta unintentional, but i found unhinged akira too hilarious not to write, especially when u contrast that with his bland, blank-faced personality for anybody who isnt crow. ˙𐃷˙ as the fic goes on i hope it becomes clear that goro and akira are both equally deranged. psycho for psycho. mutually off the shits. 🖤⛓️❤️

AND I CANT WAIT TO WRITE THE THIEVES ❤️🖤❤️ i LOVE the thieves theyre so full of kindness and dumbassery!! the kind of mfs to witness a serial killer have a mental breakdown threatening to murder them all and then immediately try to absorb him into their group again (looking at u, engine room scene). thank u for this message!! ( ◜𖥦◝ )❤️🍒

[doodlemeimpressed]

Ok so here's a Supernatural finale rewrite because hearing about what happened has my blood is boiling:

I don't care how the episode starts because it's 2 hours long and I’ll never watch it. 

Somehow they end up driving in the car or whatever the fuck. Sam and Dean start talking about Jack bc he's gone :( 

"I really miss Jack" "but he’s god so he's got that going for him :) better than the last one haha" talking about how proud they are of him and how they hope he'll visit one day. they start talking about Cas because it's what he deserves!!!!! 

"Dean you don't have to deal with this yourself" Sam says :( he knows Dean is hurting bc hes hurting too!! Dean is all like 

"Cas is gone, man :( and he said he loved me, Sam and maybe i loved him too" and big sad but they end up at the pie scene because that was good at least. Sam smashes the pie in Dean's face!! Very funny, puts a smile on my face :') They end up wherever they're staying. The bunker or a motel I don't know or care!!! Dean is washing off the pie still because "Sam you got it in my freaking hair!" 

Knock knock what's that? Someone's at the door! You're following Dean's POV as hes picking pie out of his hair and suddenly "Dean you need to see this" we hear Sam call worriedly. Dean leans out of the bathroom and Oh my gODDD!!!

it's Castiel at the door and he's got a funny little sticky note on his chest 'a parting gift :) -Jack' Dean rushes to Cas and hugs him tight because he never thought he'd see Cas again. Sam joins in the hug. They're crying. We're all crying. They drive off into the sunset. Cut to black.

Wait a minute, you check the time there's still 60 minutes left???! HUH???

CUT BACK. 10 YEARS LATER. They driving like where they left off but into the screen this time instead of away. They're on a hunt. Something happened over the years and it's mentioned Cas is human now in a comment (woohoo) maybe smth like “You can’t go rushing in there you don’t got you’re halo to fall back on” “This isn’t my first time being Human, Dean”. this is those fucking clowns we saw leaked. they fight. the synergy. the power they hold. stunning. but the hunt eventually ends. 

they’re covered in blood and dying but! they’re all still alive. The sun is rising and it cuts to the impala, Sam is asleep in the back seat. long boy. Cas and Dean are sitting on hood drinking beer, Cas is visibly confused. 

“I don’t know how you can drink this,” Cas says.

“You get used to it,” Dean says confidently. Cas is unsure :/ thats a very Dean thing to say. They clink beers and It starts to rain (Jack!). Cas smiles when it hits his face. 

Sam wakes up, “We’ve got another one” he says to Dean while waving his phone. Dean smiles in his ‘go crazy aaa go stupid’ face and Cas sighs knowing this man is going to be the death of him but he loves him regardless. Dean punches Cas in the shoulder playfully and fade to black, I don’t fucking know. better than the canon. 

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[jellyfishfics]

I miss you. I feel empty. But i dont know why?? Maybe its been so long that you havent updated SYRM fic of yours. Not that im rushing you. I know what it feels like to lose your muse in writing it coz it happens to me too (art block actually) (1/?)

Hi there nonny! I’m really happy to receive all your messages and the feelings attached to them! I’m gonna put them under a read more since I think this answer will end up being really long…

And coz i miss you. I reread SYRM again. Like every chapter, read word by word with heart. It still amazes me to the core of my bein. Absolute golden creation. It never stoo to fascinate me. I fell in love with it all over again. (2/?) 

Loves seiji once more and more than before. Such an adorable child really. And really great story line. Just everything about it screams awesome and i cant get enough really. How i wish i could tell you personally how awesome you are !! (3/?)

I still remember the day that chapter 19 was released, i felt extremely happy but at the same time, i felt sad too coz its just one chapter more and its over. I dont know what to do like what would i be looking forward to my next day without it(4/?)

Coz really, its like the only thing that keep my mind away from my horrible present life that time( i was actually kicked out of my civil engineering course caused by my 2 times failed major subject) i was so depressed that time (5/?) 

So then i decided to read a fic, and saw yours. I became engrossed to it(uptil now really i still reread time to time). It took me away from my pain it was replaced by mixed emotions from pity to angsty to happiness and then extreme happiness (?/?) 

Its so great it takes me away from i dont know, reality perhaps?? Yeah right reality. My sour salty reality in bein a failure. But that not all that. Since it gave me back my “good mood” to make great life decisions on what to do next(?/?) 

I’m really really happy my fic was able to be a positive influence on you! It’s more than I can ask for when I write, to make the reader’s day a little brighter!

I know what it’s like to read a fic and have it totally blow your mind!! When the words and plot flow together so perfectly that you just sit there like…I’m so utterly amazed. And I’m so flattered you feel this way about mine.

I understand feeling depressed, I’ve been in the same boat for a while now…but I’m working through it, and I want you to get through your sadness too!! I’m happy my fic was able to give you some piece of mind when you hit difficult times.

Personally, I have a lot of mixed feelings toward syrm as a story and I’ve burned myself out on it. For my own happiness and mental health, I’ve decided to move on and work on fic ideas for another fandom. I’m sorry, and I hope you understand.

I’m going to try and answer your individual asks:

1. I’m sorry you feel like you miss me, I’m still around! I’m not very active on tumblr anymore, but I always answer direct messages and I’m very active on twitter. I’m not sure I can do much about your empty feeling except encourage you to keep your head up and look for something that fills the void! And I hope that if you’re going through an art block, you’re able to find your groove again!!

2. Thank you for rereading! It makes me so happy that you love my story enough to read it with such care…it’s the most flattering thing an author can hear! I’m terribly flattered by all your compliments too!

3. Thank you for loving Seiji!!! I was so afraid that no one would love him…you know it’s always hit and miss with OCs. and I’m happy you think I’m awesome, geez just keep stroking my ego lol.

4. Wow, I get the bittersweet feeling of being excited for the next installment of a series you’re into but also dreading the ending! I’m astounded that my story was powerful enough to make you feel this way!!

5. I’m so sorry that happened to you…I understand that uni can be a ton of pressure and civil engineering is such a tough subject!! My brother studies it too, and he has had problems with his classes as well. I hope that you’re in a more stable place right now, but just know that failing classes doesn’t define you.

6. Like I said before, I really am so glad that my fic was able to cheer you up! i hope if you decide to reread again, it will continue to uplift you and motivate you.

7. Listen…reality does suck a lot sometimes, and I feel you when you’d rather bury yourself in fandom and fiction where everything seems better, but I want you to know that you’re incredibly strong. It takes a lot of courage to send a person a message, and it take so much personal strength and courage to talk about your personal issues so openly. I’m glad you came to me, and I hope that writing your issues out made you feel a little lighter. I know it helps me a lot when I can use fanfiction to write out issues I deal with in a new setting with character I love. I hope my answer can also take some pressure away for your shoulders. Unfortunately, you’ll have to do a lot of the heavy lifting yourself…I know this from experience. But if you ever need me, I’ll be here for you!

Stay strong, bold, and keep your head up. There are people who care about you, and I’m one of them!

Thank you for sending me these messages.